Around Two - Chapter 4
[With Editorial Commentary Below]
1:29. She reached up to stroke her eyelid. Hand slid down to her ear. No, what was left of her ear. She looked sickened as she covered the ear with her shoulder-length hair. Her eye twitched at the same time as mine. With a frown, she draped her bed sheet back over the mirror.
I sighed with relief when I could no longer see her. I hate everything about her.
1:39. I had to go. Down the stairs, through the lobby, down one block, wooden bench.
“Marta?”
“Let her go, I’m right behind her,” the man muttered to the irritable receptionist. I picked up speed as I ran out the door.
I ran past the store front, apartment, second store front, then the bank. There was the bus stop. 1:46:28. 1:46:29.
I could hear the man panting behind me. He stepped around the wooden bench. Too close, I warned with my eyes. He reached for my left hand, so I reared back with my right. I slammed my fist into his mouth before he could speak and his head hit the bench hard.
I jumped into the bus and checked my watch. It was covered in blood. My blood? Maybe mine and his. I wiped the watch face with my left hand, putting too much pressure on my wrist. Something’s broken here, and it’s not a watch.
1:51:51. My blood was still pumping full power as I examined my mangled right hand. This is gonna hurt once the adrenaline wears off.
I slid down against someone’s leg. “Oh, sorry.”
The man gaped down at me and backed into a seat. He never met my gaze.
“Gonna be early today, Miss D. No question.”
I nodded, still cradling my hand as it began to throb and sear with anger. The bleeding had slowed, but the pain was just firing up. My vision narrowed to the pole in front of me and two black shoes attached to the hem of a pair of jeans. The feet crossed as I heard a screech and fell forward onto my injured hand.
I didn’t mean to cry out, but it was too late.
“Miss D, you’re bleedin’ all over, ma’am!”
The blue jeans shuffled toward me and bent down to reveal a face.
“No, let me go!” I screamed, crawling off the bus. I ran as fast as I could to the alley and threw my right hand over the bottom rung. I climbed up, wincing as I pulled with my forearm instead of my hand. Come on, just a few more rungs before the steps!
I threw my leg up and pulled my body onto the platform, barely stopping to climb the steps. Up, to the right, platform. Last ladder! Come on!
I threw my leg over the ledge and tumbled onto the roof. 1:58:17. I made it. It’s not yet 2.
I looked up at the sun as my face went cold. Sweat stung my eyes, but didn’t distract me from my seething hand. I lifted my red arm and it shook violently above my face. Someone took the broken hand and eased it down to my stomach. A hand brushed my hair from my face.
“Flannery?” I mumbled, trying to meet his gaze. He looked in my eyes, saying something as he stroked my cheek. Shook his head. I couldn’t hear anything beyond the ringing in my ears and the incessant swallowing. Who’s swallowing? Gulp, gulp, gulp. I turned my head and let loose onto the ground. Looked like a viscous river starting at my cheek. My strawberry hair matted to the ground. I laughed as he picked me up.
“Flannery,” I giggled as I was carried through the door and down the stairs. “No T.”
To Be Continued…
[Comments: This opening is one of the more interesting uses of the mirror description trope. The third person switch sheds a light on her dysphoria and dissociation using only a few sentences, while sneaking in a subtle character description that is relevant to the story.
It’s a bit vague how much damage is done to Marta’s hand when she punches the man following her out of the lobby, presumably in the teeth. She would likely have cuts on her first two or last two knuckles from his upper incisors, a strained or sprained wrist, and possibly a broken thumb.
Actions: The amount of blood on her hand after the punch seems excessive. Map out the quality and strength of a punch her character is likely to throw with her non-dominant hand, along with the amount of damage likely inflicted to her and the target. Also, any height difference should be known and accounted for.
Make it clearer that Marta is lying down from the time she tumbles off the ladder until she’s lifted off the ground.
Details to remember:
Characters: Irritable Receptionist, Alarmed Bus Passenger
Locations: Lobby of Building (Marta’s current home), an apartment building, a bank, some stores
She is revealed to have some deformity, probably scarring, on one side of her face
She covers her mirror with a sheet to avoid her reflection
Finally, another passenger shows up on the bus
Her watch is on her right hand, so she’s probably left-handed and punched with her weaker hand]
